Kuala Lumpur - Beatles mania continues...

 Kuala Lumpur (Malaysia)

A few mins post the 7-11 event, Jet provides me with an explanation of why his food made a return trip up his oesophagus rather than making a much cheaper single journey, you know, why by the return ticket if you're not coming back? Apparently it was the putrid smell of a man that was making residence just outside of the store that was the trigger. I would have put more money on the alcohol consumption myself but hey, working in tandem you kind of get the picture of where the carnage found its trigger point.

Back at the Swiss Inn Hotel at 3:30am with a quick change over required and a need to get moving to my hotel which was near the airport, both Jet and I had taken the mental and physical turn onto the corner of Struggle St and We're Tanked Drive. A familiar place, we'd stayed there a number of times. I'm doing the mental calculations and I know that we need to move  rather soon in order to have enough time up our sleeves to make the flight but we're already starting to feel the pain of  what we had accomplished just a few hours ago. I think more by sheer will than anything else we were able to make our way out of the hotel at 4:00am or thereabouts and back onto the streets. Still at that point in time I was mentally running through the logistics, thinking that even if everything works relatively well in our favour then a 6:30am flight out of Kuala Lumpur to Hanoi is going to be a tall order. Still, the great thing about KL is that you can get a cab at  most anytime of night or morning, so once we were outside the doors of the hotel a magical yellow taxi appeared just as we needed it, and whoosh,  we were swept away to the airport.

So I've heard various comments about the anticipation of travel and idealised images of travel, you know, the images and notions that you place in your head prior to getting somewhere being particularly 'idealic', kind of like glamour photography being the best form of you at a particular moment in time, (the reality is that glamour photography is for no hopers with low, low, low self-esteem). The thought or philosophy of the idyllic sense of travel being that these notions are inevitably diluted by your reality of a situation as your actual presence at the said destination (when that day actually arrives) is tainted by worries, concerns, dilemmas, thoughts, pictures of ugliness, bad hand jobs etc. Frankly I think this type of thinking is bullshit because quite often it's the element of the unknown, or the surprising elements of travel that actually make the journey even more exhilarating. Just my opinion.

Back to the story. We raced off into  the darkness of an early KL morning in order to pick up my belongings at the Tune hotel and as Jet and I drifted in and out of an alcohol induced semi coma I wondered whether it would have been an almighty tragedy if we missed the flight, I also thought of other things I'm sure but I can't seem to remember any of them for the life of me. In any case our cab does the nice thing on his part  and wakes us up about a block or so out from the Tune Hotel, it's just on 5:00am now, we're about 2 mins driving distance from the airport but I still need to pack my stuff, have bit of a wash and then split.

The Tune Hotel is one of those new wave budget style places that give you what you pay for. A bed, a wash basin, a bathroom and that's about it. It's on the cheap, so when I was planning this trip initially I picked the closest hotel to the airport that would allow me to make a 6:30am flight without the drama. I obviously didn't anticipate the all nighter that we had just pulled or even the fact that we were struggling to remain moderately sane in order to get the basics in order, i.e., passports, tickets, wallet, baggage. So I jumped into the shower, woke myself up a little, and do what I needed to. Jet immediately crashed out on the bed, obviously he's not coming back to reality anytime soon. I'm in and out of the shower relatively quickly and ready to roll at about 5:20am or so, I pull Jet out of his coma and urge him to motor because now we're cutting it fine!

5:30am, outside the Tune Hotel - KL LCCT....how tanked are we!?

Does it look better with sunnies on? KL LCCT Airport - Kuala Lumpur - Malaysia

Jet and I struggle to make it to the front of the hotel but we do. Hanging out for a courtesy bus to the airport we both do sanity checks and realise that we're still a lot closer to Wonderland than Reality World in our minds, the hysterical laughter coming from us both confirmed that line of thought. Still we manage to  make it to the airport and as usual in situations such as these where time is not working in your favour, the place is packed! My internal logistical alarm bells go off and I know that for this to be successful, we need to manoeuvre a little and take some immoral/unethical short cuts. First angle, jump the standard baggage scan queue. We do that reasonably well, even though I'm sure some people were a little ticked at the 'drunk Australians' jumping in front of them - (:). Second hurdle, our check-in counter is closed and we're directed to the 'all purpose' check in at the end of the hall. We move as best we can and jump on the back of a queue that's moving as fast as midday traffic in Caracas! Another opportunity presents itself, we tack ourselves on the back of a much shorter line that looks as though it's split into two lines, but nobody can really be certain. As we move forward we get some Pommy git start up at us,

'Oi, you realise there's a queue here'.

Jet and I are focused, we have our eyes on the prize and don't flinch. He starts up again, something akin to 'Oi, I'm talkin' to youse, there's a queue here'.

We hold our ground, there's nothing that's going to stop us from making that counter/baggage check-in on time and under budget. Again, this turkey starts up, 'I'm not taking this, why don't we take this outside!?'.

OMG, you limp dick moron!  I say something over my shoulder that I think was relatively close to  'Shut up you dickhead', and of course he ups the ante, demanding  that we  now take it outside!? Now, can you see the fatal flaw in his plan? Here he is waiting in a queue, bothered that 'someone' has jumped in front of him, obviously wasting his time, and now he wants to 1) Fight us about it, 2) Take it outside and waste even more time and 3) Probably miss his flight. Do you get the nonsensical and utterly stupid thought process going on in the head of this monkey. In any case, Jet and I call his bluff and check-in, his wife or girlfriend knowing how stupid he's being tells him to calm down, all the while the fat oath is muttering to himself about God knows what. Some people really do have shit for brains.

Thankfully it all works in our favour, we check-in, get through customs and security clearance with a few minutes to spare and pretty much walk onto the 6:30 flight to Hanoi without any troubles at all. All nighter 1 completed, and many, many more to come. Vietnam, time to be 'owned'!

Melbourne to Kuala Lumpur - From Melbourne to Beatles mania

Melbourne (Australia) to Kuala Lumpur (Malaysia)

I think most people have that inherent feeling of understanding or acceptance when they know that their day is going to travel much further than the standard 16hrs or so. Mentally  I was calibrating, undertaking old algebraic constructions, trading off time possibilities in my head as to where I may be able to manage sleep later in the day. These are the lies that you sell yourself, the side of common sense that gives way to 'Good time Charlie' somewhere on the dark, dank streets of a foreign city. That however was to be many hours ahead of me and for now, I was in the great Australian city of culture and style.

Usually when I'm down in Melbourne I kick things off at a little cafe in St.Kilda called Sultino's. Unfortunately it had almost been a year since I'd made residence here and it was on New Years Day 2009 where Jet and I were recovering from a night spent on AC/DC lane, post margarita madness on the Yarra. For this morning however the space was kind of warm, homely and just the right type of everything to make for a great breakfast. Not that it was extravagant, just a few cups of coffee, some vanilla porridge and I was good to go ,but how to describe it, I guess it's like catching those lost rays of sunlight on a windy, coldish day at the beach and basking in its warmth for as long as you can manage, kind of like that.  In any case, I made my way down to Acland street for a little shopping post morning infusion before heading down the Tulla expressway and lining up for a 13:30 flight to KL.

My trip however could have ended right there and then at the check in counter. As I was going through a process that I'd been through many times before the lady at the counter stops me and asks whether I had another passport, 'Well, no sista', I have but one'. Her face turns a little ashen, like she's preparing herself for a barrage of abuse which will be inevitable after what she's about to tell me. 'Well sir, you only have four months left on your passport, I'm not sure we can let you fly today'. Here starts my explanation. Well, I have return tickets well before the day of visa expiry, I have a Vietnamese entry visa only valid for a month, well before the expiry of my passport, what's the issue? She defaults and calls in hired help, her faulty little pop gun was not going to take on the heat of what I was packing and ready to offload. Her supervisor rocks in and explains the situation, I come back and explain mine. He tries telling me that my visa has expired to which I responded 'Um, no mate, it's not expired but it does expire before my passport does, do you know why?' Because I'm only going to Vietnam for a few weeks turkey and I'll be back a couple of days after New Years. He comes back at me with something irrelevant and then states that the visa is 'probably working in my favour' - yes, thought you might see it my way. After a little additional banter they let me on the flight.  Bloody hell, it wasn't that big a deal was it?

The flight to KL was uneventful, which is exactly how I like them. I slept a lot, watched 500 days of Summer a couple of times and then realised that the girl he catches at the end of the movie, Autumn, is way hotter and I'd much prefer watching a movie called 500 days of Autumn, instead or anything relating to Autumn really, the ditz of a guy doesn't have to even be in it, he's kind of irrelevant to the plot that's operating in my head. A few red wines, a couple of pages of reading and we were landing at KL LCC terminal right on the mark of 6:40pm as all our guide books had suggested. This was the departure point from the 'real world' and now, we entered the Frelisher zone where reality and time trading was the norm, it also suspended all semblance of rational thought as alcohol became our only companion, and so we begin.

I check into the Tune hotel which is located 2 mins by courtesy van from the airport. It's 7:30pm and our flight the next day is at 7:00am. Just to give you advanced notice, I won't be seeing the inside of this room again until about 5:00am the next day, you can kind of already tell where this story is heading, right? I also kind of know what's going to happen. I'm running logistics in my head and I know it's an hour's journey from the airport to KL proper, so two hours travel to make it there and back. I also know that Jet will be lining up for several drinks and the suggestion of an 'all nighter' will be made early. I 'know this' and yet to convince myself to move I sell myself on the notion that we'll be reasonable this evening and make our way back here, to the Tune hotel, after just a couple. As I've said many times before, many a LONG night has commenced off the back of those infamous words, 'dude, lets just go for a few'.  I walk down to reception and ask the lady what's the best way to get into the city, are there direct buses? She looks strangely perplexed and asks me 'You want to go to the city now?', 'Well yes I do, I need to get my drink on obviously!Sentral from KL LCC and there I went, I was out and on my way.

Petronas Towers act like a beacon as you drive in. You can spot them kms away, they illuminate the KL skyline, they're spectacular and most importantly they signal that you're on the right track. I make KL Sentral by about 9:30pm and I'm in Chinatown, out the front of the Swiss Hotel at close to 10:00pm. After a little FB miscommunication of 'Where are you?', I'm here where are you', Jet and I caught each other at 10:30pm. Using my 'worldly' knowledge of KL and Chinatown from the April just past I offered the option of the Beatles bar, and that's where we went!

Swiss Hotel, Chinatown - Kuala Lumpur....and no, this is at the start of the night!

The Beatles Bar, Chinatown - Kuala Lumpur - 'Where many a good night are had'

Check out the Beatles Bar right HERE (link on!)

The Beatles Bar is 'chillout' central. One side has a raised platform, each sectioned  or kind of cordoned off by a long piece of chiffon,  making the low rider table and plush cushioning kind of exclusive, in its own way. For some reason Jet was a little hesitant to take off his shoes but we  managed to get him across the line on that request and  thus commenced on round after round of mudslides. As the debauchery continued the mudslides just got more and more 'awesome'. It's funny, sometimes you just know that a holiday is going to be fantastic right off the bat and at other times you know that you'll need to work for the pleasure ,this holiday was going to be a killer, that's something I could tell right off the bat!

Chilling at the Beatles Bar, Chinatown - Kuala Lumpur

 

I don't know how many times I heard 'I am the freakin' Walrus' played but by the time we threw in a change up into the drinking mix and went for an AK-47 to round of an already hellish night of drinking we were more than three sheets to the wind with still some mileage to cover before the Hanoi flight at 7:00am (oh yeah, the flight, damn, need to remind myself of that!). We finalised the longish bill at the Beatles bar and then headed across the street to the Reggae Bar but  unfortunately its standard 'schiestordom' music was blaring there, once again. A standard hideout for English backpackers, crap R'n'B music and interest being provided by the local honey pot traps that Jet swore all had testicles. He was more than likely right.

We exited and hit the streets in search of something, not really known what that something was going to be. We were strolling along, chatting happily to strangers, stealing Malaysian flags from shopfronts and then out of left field Frichot reneges on his 'no public urination policy'. Really, I'm not sure that he ever had one but I think it's something that he should implement, even if it becomes a 'no public urination in Malaysia' policy as that might save him from evil eyes and a possible rattan on the backside form of justice that this part of the world is known for.He escaped punishment, I don't know how but he did.

As our path through Bukit Bintang continued and wreaked carnage and destruction at all points, a small hamburger vendor grabbed our attention and we loaded up for a bite. Not sure what the hell Jet was doing but he was more than certain that the dude at this joint looked like Eddie Murphy. What's more, his persistent requests to get the guy to say, 'very funny mofo' (check it out on the link), kind of fell on deaf ears. Never the less as tanked as we were, the burger went down a treat, even though on review it looked like a mix of God knows what, combined with a slice of what the f*** is that!

The Atomic Bomb burger - what the hell was in it!!?

Understandably things after this point in time got a little hazy on all counts. The food that we devoured can stand as testament to that. We managed to make our way down the street a little further, who knows how long the hell we walked or travelled or what little distance we covered but we ended up at some all night Indian joint where the offering of some type of roti with chicken 'seemed' like it was a 'duck's nuts' option. I remember sitting there with Jet as he ordered up more beers trying to focus on the time that my mobile was displaying and just thinking, 'We'll be lucky to get back to the hotel, let alone catch a flight in a few hours'. Things were just kind of blurred and our well directed stagger turned just into a stagger of randomness. As we made our way back to the Swiss Hotel, mostly by good fortune than anything, we stopped in at a 7/11 to get 'something', I think at the time I needed to pick up more food. So as I'm walking around ,inside the shop, I hear a bottle smash at the front door and a little bit of commotion. At the time I didn't make sense of what was nor even  did I realise that it was Jet that dropped his bottle of beer at the front door. Making my way out of the store I see that 'someone' has managed to deposit their dinner right at the entrance of the 7/11. When I question Jet on that occurrence he kind of smiles as says in that very drunken, embarrassed type of manner,  'Dude, that was me'.....

(This night will be continued in the next entry)

Sydney to Melbourne - Drink and fly, bloody legend!!

Sydney (Australia) to Melbourne (Australia)

 Vietnam (2009/10)

The last day of work was a cruise, some intricacies, a few loose ends tied but all in all a blind man could have passed through the eye of a needle without needing to hold his breath, or something like that. In the now time honoured tradition of the BIP bar (Business Improvement & Projects), we set up shop around our strategically placed bar fridges and gathered from far and wide in order to set proceedings for the evening and of course the weeks in advance. The Christmas period shutdown at AAPT was a week earlier than usual, meaning that if I was going to travel (which isn't really a question for me these days), then I was going to have to jump the traditional Australian Christmas and New Year , fine by me also.

Back to the BIP bar in any case. I believe that the beer of choice for this Friday afternoon was Heineken and perhaps some variant of Coopers with some residual James Squire left over from the previous week. I believe that by the time my internal alarm was set for a jump from work to Sydney domestic I was four beers to the good and already filled with the Christmas spirit, or perhaps I should say that I was just anticipating spirit, in whatever format that may have been acquired. A couple of glasses of red at the airport as holiday settlers had me all warm and fuzzy for the slightly unnerving flight down to Avalon. As I've stated on and in this blog a few times now, a couple of ordinary flight experiences and a few too many viewings of various the now infamous TV programme, Air Crash Investigation, has turned me into an anxiety riddled flyer. Mostly for take-offs and landing and sometimes for engine thrust variations that come mid-flight. Seriously, I listen to every sound imaginable, it's awful.

This occasion was different however and serves as a satisfactory precedent to what my future flights may entail, for as at the time of boarding I was feeling ever so chilled from a nice beer and red wine induced buzz. My flight effectively turned from a potential 90 min torment infested inevitability to a 5 min, find your seat and crash event. Seriously, I located my seat and within minutes was asleep, the next thing I remember was an announcement advising the cabin crew to take their seats for landing. Now that's how drink and flying should operate, up and down without clowning around. Thank you alcohol, you and I have cemented the bond that we had established in a St.Patricks tavern blaze of glory all those years ago, you are my friend, confidant and spiritual advisor.

Night one of my adventure back to the 'Nam was about as sedate as it was ever going to get. An easy drive around the bay to Albert Park and then a cruise down to St.Kilda for dinner and drinks on Acland St, then back to the Bayview just on the stroke of midnight. All relatively painless, all ever so easy, but don't be fooled just yet, this ride was far from over and we were a long, long way from home Toto (speaking of Toto, whatever happened to that band?).

Vietnam - Don't call this a comeback!

Vietnam

I've known my mate Jet for something like 15yrs, so getting on to nearly half my life now. He's the type of guy that you'd be lucky to know and a friend you'd be even luckier to have. He's a typical Aquarian which means that he's got a great sense of humour, is witty, always has his  heart in the right place, is emotional in an undirected sense and can be, at times, flaky. That's why the Aquarian/Cancerian combination works, sometimes our conservative ways (that of the Cancerian) keeps them in check, at other times it's that Aquarian left of field thought process that provides us with the scope  to see things just a little differently from the typical hard line, logical progression.

Quick background check then. Jet made his way up to Sydney back in 1995 and found himself doing a little tele-marketing work for a place called Heidelberg Roof Restoration in late February of that same year. I had beaten him to the punch by a week and had already been losing my mind there in the evenings doing part-time work whilst filling my days with a B.Bus degree at UTS , which  by the way was none too successful. Our first few encounters/discussions did not particularly bode well for any sort of mutual respect, let alone a friendship. I was a little uni upstart, snobbish, thinking that I knew so much more than anyone else (what's changed right!?), and Jet was the Uladulla boy, bright eyed and bushy tailed with a pinch of naivety (all of which have gone, although he's still an Uladulla boy at heart). Without going into too many stories the most amusing is the one where he sold me the idea of wearing a suit and I sold him on the idea of wearing casual clothes exactly a day after we'd both worn the opposite form of clothing, (laughs out loud - insert here), Heidelberg, good times hey.

Fifteen years down now and during that time we had always discussed doing a trip together. Sure, we've done a few NYE's which have included rides down to Thredbo and Melbourne but not a journey through another country. So when Jet was considering heading off at the end of this year I tried to convince him to jump onto the ride that I had already planned which just happened to be a revisit to a favourite country of mine, Vietnam.

Where this idea started for me however was a couple of years ago when Jase and I had ventured into Vietnam for the first time. Aside from the fact that I absolutely fell for the place, especially the north, I got suckered into the the tailored clothing bonanza that was/is the town of Hoi An, a place that's approximately halfway down the coastline, some 30kms south of Da Nang. With the idea that one day soon I needed to return in order to get my tailored suit on, I booked myself in for a Vietnamese excursion and hey presto, there we have it, Back in Black with my man Frichot - game on!

As I write this first update of our trip to Vietnam I'm guessing that Frichot is cruising somewhere at 35,000 feet, burning up the sky miles at 900kms per hour on a fabulous Air Asia flight into KL. He is of course the advance party and will be the main scout for new bars, markets and all things debaucherous in KL before I fly out to meet him sometime on Saturday evening. So with that said, Let the Games begin, this trip is now officially open!

Laos - It's a wrap

Laos - the final

When I completed my run through Europe last year I adopted a set of questions as a template, something to use as a nice way of rounding out the few weeks that I'd had. Sticking with tradition therefore and adopting the same template that I did then, well, I bring to you the close out of the Lao experience.

Laos - the close out

Favourite Places - Aside from the drama, the Gibbon Experience  was fantastic, but in terms of towns visited, it's a close run thing between Vang Vieng and Luang Prabang, perhaps Vang Vieng getting the edge due to its overall vibe.

Most Surprising - Vang Vieng - filled with backpackers and definitelty a tourist trap but never the less a great place to spend a day or as much time as you have/need.

Coolest place for a night out - Vang Vieng, but with that said, Luang Prabang was charming, and surprisingly, hanging out in Vientiane overlooking the Mekong was also a treat.

Favourite Hotel -  Well, not exactly a hotel but sleeping up in a tree nearly 100mtrs off the ground in a remote part of Northern Laos I think suffices as a favourite hotel spot.

Best place to get totally lost - Vang Vieng again, you could get lost in any bar for weeks with the right type of attitude.

Best place to drink and get totally lost - Vang Vieng

Coolest Moment - Tough one, it's a tie between a massive zipline that I did on the Gibbon Experience, just flying through the air, probably 100mtrs above the forest canopy, travelling at 60-70kms per hour between two mountain ridges, absolutely exhilirating, or, the cruise down the Nam Song, for it's overall vibe and 'chilled out air'

Uncoolest Moment - It's Mr Swiss Garlic merchant telling me that he hates it when other people chomp on cloves of garlic but that he couldn't smell his own stench....very uncool Mr weird Swiss man, way, way uncool!!!

Best comeback - JJ's comment to the 'Rings of Mystery' merchant in Kuala Lumpur, 'You're just a ringget whore'. Not a comeback in the classic sense but the fact that the he was doing our heads in for so long, in my mind, made the line somewhat of a stylish comeback. In terms of physical comebacks, I think that when Jase rose from the dead whilst walking out of the Lao jungle (see the Gibbon Experience), well, that might just make the grade as the best comeback of this escapade.

Most random but still cool event - JJ and I wondering the streets of Huay Xai and finding a huge open wooden bar that looked like it was an afterthought. It was more then well hidden away and it absolutely qualified as being random, never the less, it was a cool place but strangely not frequented on the night we visited with either tourists or locals...bizarre.

Best Meal - Some would say the KL lemon chicken, and I have to admit, it was damn good, BUT, the 10 foot burger in Vang Vieng was just the tastiest thing I've ever had in my life, SERIOUSLY!!

Total Flights - 7

Total kms covered - 20,292 (approx)

Kuala Lumpur - a former place but not in the same condition

Kuala Lumpur (Malaysia)

You’ve got to laugh, seriously, when you warn people in advance that their actions will cause them problems the next day and it comes to fruition, well, it’s sheer poetry. Our last day in Vang Vieng was a day after cruising the Nam Song and JJ was on Struggle St, it was beautiful to see. It’s one of those paternal/maternal sort of scenarios where you kind of feel their pain but you also give them that look that says, 'Hey, I told you so, this is experience talking'. Would love to have seen JJ’s face the day before when I had the blankets over my head, now that would have been priceless!

In any case, JJ and I struggled up to the minivan pick up point which took us to the major bus pick up point and then we were off, Vientiane bound, a place where our trip to Laos would come full circle and where we in turn  we would be jumping a ride to KL the next day. Approximately 4-5hours out of Vang Vieng our VIP bus of the Gods rattled into Vientiane and by some sheer logistical skill on the part of the bus driver we pulled up virtually next to the ‘You have drugs on’ (Red Dragon) hotel. Not too much to add about Vientiane on this occasion as I kind of forget the specifics, I think JJ and I may have cruised around for the afternoon, sorted our souvenir shopping and lined up a few drinks at a wine bar. Other than that we also lined up at Vientiane International the next day for the short Elisher X ride to Kuala Lumpur.

Vientiane - Laos

Arriving back in KL for the final leg of our journey JJ and I bunked up at the Swiss Inn Chinatown for a couple of nights, not quite ready to accept the fact that we were going home but also not quite willing to let the devastation of the Lao super bug live on. We of course hit the Chinatown markets for some quality bargains, of which I gained aplenty for my Aunty whose fine bourgeois taste quite suits the kitsch knick knack garbage of the Jalan Petaling market. Needless to say, it wasn’t all tourist traps and ringgit pimps that we encountered, we did manage to get a dose of our much favoured and under advertised lemon chicken, which is a classic meal and I’d recommend it if I knew the name of the place. If you’re ever there just look for an old dude pulling some funky tricks with rings saying “WAAAA’ for too often and an all too cheery Chinese man who has the dolcet tones of Barry White, ’Oh yeah, baw, baw’ It losses much in translation, but you’ll know it when you meet him.

Oh, I nearly forgot, earlier in the day JJ and I also managed to make it to a pretty cool indoor amusement park called Cosmos world. Well, to the extent that it was indoors it was cool, a half decent roller coaster, a hellishly fast paced pirate ship that got you completely inverted and a haunted house that you make have considered to be lame but actually turned out to be surprisingly amusing , amusement parks are just cool, wherever you are, period.

Cosmos World - Kuala Lumpur

JJ, contemplating 'something' and the lemon chicken - Chinatown - Kuala Lumpur

Aside from that JJ, Audrey, Jase and myself rounded out the night back at the Beatles bar, chilling out, drinking away and waiting for the morning light to bring us a flight back home…and that my friends is that. Laoscapades completed, conquered and experienced…and in all, generally pretty good. There were some really highlights and off course a few struggles but the hits and misses I’ll leave for the last post which will be the Lao wrap up.

Vang Vieng - In the tubing

Vang Vieng (Laos)

Be it a great thing or a bad thing for Vang Vieng, the activity of tubing down the Nam Song and its associated side attractions of rickety but super cool bamboo bars, swing-outs into the river, water slides, alcohol,and all things mind altering is now central to what this place has become. It’s the reason that I came and by God, I was going to take on the Nam Song on this day with reckless abandon and exuberance!

The way it works is as follows, you take a stroll into town and find one of the two places that will hire tubes out to you for the day. It’s strictly a two tube premises town as this element is controlled by the Vang Vieng mafia, who in turn control the prices you pay for hiring your tubes and also the associated deposit. Now, there’s a return policy on the tubes requesting that they be back in the dock by 6pm otherwise your deposit is lost. Let me just say this, knowing now the nature of the river and its capacity for carnage, I’d be surprised if 20% of the tubes make it back by closing. It’s a rort but so what, happy to help them out.

After you’ve hired your tube the VV mafia will drive you approximately 3kms out of town to the start of this wild ride. Estimates of the time taken to complete the journey state about 2-3hrs when the river is in full flow and 3-4hours at the low end, note, this does not factor in any of the stops that you may make along the way which has he propensity to turn your adventure from one of several hours to one of several days.

JJ and I rock up at the kick-off off bar and it was kind of pumping. OK, so perhaps Shaggy was playing at the time, which doesn’t particularly lend itself to being a pumping joint but this place is obviously filled with good vibes, people chilling out on the bamboo veranda and occupying the bars getting stuck into their whiskey buckets, pulling dubious back flips off the swing-outs and commencing their leisurely cruise down the river. As we sectioned off a little bit of our own piece of chilled serenity I looked down the river and just had to laugh. There were bamboo bars, strange sorts of platforms, people in tubes with all forms of alcohol in their hands,man, I could only classify it as an adult Disneyland. It looked strangely and insanely cool, and we hadn’t even kicked off our session yet.

The 'Kick-Off' Bar - Nam Song River - Vang Vieng

JJ making her way down the river

After a couple range finders at the bar JJ and I walked our tubes down the river and set off for our journey into the Never Never. There’s something to be said for just laying back, having your arms and feet dangling in the cool water, checking out the magnificent views of the mountains on one side of the river and then waving your hands when you feel inclined so that one of the staff at the bars can throw you out a line or a bamboo rod in order to pull you into their fine establishment. So I’m not sure whether it was the second or third bar that we were at, the one after the moth filled whiskey drink, that we hijacked ourselves a cute little vista on the banks of the river, pulled ourselves up some hammocks and organised a couple of whiskey buckets and assisted ourselves in letting the afternoon roll on. Oh yeah, I was liking this vibe! Just sitting back and watching other people with the same mindset or perhaps slightly enhanced mindsets just flow on down the Nam Song. It was easy to recognise how a couple of days here could transform itself into several weeks. In fact, knowing what I do now, somewhere down the track I’d love to make this a New Year’s Eve stop, one week on the outgoing year and a week on the inbound.

JJ getting her 'hammock on' with whiskey bucket aid! - Nam Song River - Vang Vieng

Another cool bar, another reason for a drink - like we need reasons!

Whiskey buckets, life's elixir - Nam Song River - Vang Vieng

Don’t know how many hours JJ and I spent at Hammocks in the Sky but the music was cranking and leaving was starting to prove a little too difficult. We did however manage to pull ourselves away only to be dragged into another bar on the other side of the river with one wicked trapeze that was just beckoning for me to conquer it. From some of the skills that people were showing off on this piece of equipment it was quite apparent that a few of them had made their base on the Nam Song long ago. Still, with the several hours at trapeze school in Homebush still relatively fresh in my mind I stepped up to the trapeze on my second attempt and launched off the pad. On my second pass and with what I thought was the requisite speed, I launched myself skyward in reverse. Oh yeah, sailing through the air was magical, I won’t lie, it was fantastically exhilarating. The problem however was my lack of skill and the fact that I under rotated which meant that the final result was an EPIC FAIL on my part. I entered the Nam Song upside down and head first! Clearly from eye witness reports and footage taken by ESPN, the critical point for me was the execution, or lack of,  but it has to be said that my heart and commitment to the task was not an issue. As I burst through the surface of the water and looked to the gallery I could see the face of the Russian judge, it wasn’t disappointment, it was sheer contempt for my skill that this well worn face showed. On this day, my attempt to channel the spirits of the long line of Barnum & Bailey trapeze artists had obviously died an inglorious death. Never the less, JJ also, with the Homebush experience still relatively fresh in her mind climbed atop of the platform and swung out with the whoops of the gallery to support her flight into the Nam Song.

Yes my friends, this was the scene of the EPIC FAIL!

Gathering up our strength and with JJ a hash brownie to the good, the tubes set us adrift for a further few stops until we encountered the sum of all things awesome. A bar that had a mega slide off the roof that allowed you to sail out into the middle of the river, it was a boyhood dream turned into reality. Now, even those this slide didn’t look menacing, I can tell you that with the right speed and inertia, if your entry wasn’t judged to perfection well then you hit the river HARD. This was a lesson learnt the hard way as I came barrelling into the Nam Song chest first. JJ on the other hand had fine tuned her skills and was taking on the slide with all the grace and poise of a Mexican gymnast, yeah, figure out what that means for yourself

 

How good is that slide!?...And how wasted is that guy?

Cruise the day away - Nam Song River - Vang Vieng

As the sun set behind the mountains and the sky started to dim, the alcoholic rationale of making it to the finishing line kicked in. With beer Lao in hand and the sight of a finish line in our hearts (well, it was more JJ than myself, she was carrying the team for the afternoon), we set off down river in search of glory but as the sun sunk lower and the shadows lengthened, light fading fast, it was only JJ whose steely resolve shone through, she thought that we could beat the Nam Song on this day! Unfortunately where we came unstuck was on one of the stone/rock beds that blocked our easy path to victory. As we almost came to a stand still, with night upon us, I suggested to JJ that the best escape route now might be up the banks and a walk to the road in hope of hailing a tuk-tuk. Needless to say, the Lao people of these parts are well aware of the idiots that get stuck out in their tubes at this time of night and their requisite need to make it back home. Thankfully we had a kind Lao merchant that assisted us out of the water and pointed us to his awaiting tuk-tuk. What we didn’t have however were amicable fellow tourists, who whilst also were (thankfully for them) pulled out of the river, still had the gall to challenge the tuk-tuk driver on the price that he was asking for a run into town. This guy was just a pretentious dick, I couldn’t believe that he was arguing over a few dollars and his dumb ass arguments kept us waiting for nearly 10 mins until he relented, 'Dude, just wake the hell up!'. In any case we managed to get back into Vang Vieng, tubing deposits obviously lost to the VV mafia, but really, who cared, it was a fantastic day and one that I really look forward to doing again sometime in the future!

JJ, Beer Lao in hand, convincing me that we would make the finish line!?

The distance to here - Nam Song River - Vang Vieng