Hoi An - 'Hoi An idol'

We ticked over the barrier to Christmas approximately an hour or so out of Hanoi. For a long while prior to making our ride south I had thought we’d be walking the Hanoi streets endlessly in search of accommodation rather than taking the re-unified A-train south to Hoi An. With great skill and fortune however Frichot and I had managed to make the Hanoi terminal and even found our way to the train. We had acquired a four berth cabin which we shared with a couple from Singapore and were ready to make out way.

Hanoi Railway Station - We made it, just!

The cabin was fairly basic, a mid size mattress, sheet, cover and pillow. Not the most comfortable bedding that you’d ever come across but enough to get you through the night. What provided more of a hassle was the driver’s inability to keep any sort of constant speed, it was speed up, brake, speed up and brake. Unfortunately that kept most of the occupants of cabin 9B in that hazy state of elucidation, and yes, if you think it’s a contradiction in terms then that’s because it’s meant to be.

All aboard - Frichot on the reunifcation ride

Sunrise on Christmas morning brought with it endless views of rice fields, scattered villages and the odd medium sized town. At about 10:30 or so we stopped in Hue, located in central Vietnam (about 650kms from Hanoi and 1100kms from Saigon). It was the formal Imperial capital of Vietnam and is now recognised as a UNESCO World Heritage site for its great sprawling complex of temples, pavilions, moats, gates and walls. Unfortunately it wasn’t in our plan to have a look around the place, so I guess this just gives me another reason to make a return to Vietnam someday in the near future.

About 30 mins out of Hue we encountered some of the most spectacular scenery of the journey thus far (well, that we were able to see in any case). As the train snaked it’s way along the coast line the surrounds got more and more mountainous, with much of the coastline having these hills/mountains just drop straight into the sea. A lot of the journey from this point down to Da Nang had similarities with the Great Ocean Rd drive, particularly the area past Apollo Bay to the Twelve Apostles. Really, just very picturesque, scenic and in some parts quite dramatic. It felt as though the closer we got to Da Nang the more impressive the scenery was.

View heading south, 15 mins out of Hue

Hue to Da Nang

Hue to Da Nang

Hue to Da Nang

A little over 13hours after pulling out of Hanoi the night before we arrived in Da Nang, 1:02pm on the scoreboard, a whole two mins behind the scheduled time. Who says these Communists aren’t efficient and effective? In fact I’d hazard a guess and say that my watch was the one being a little inconsistent and running ahead of time. Frichot and I jumped off the train and into the waiting arms of friendly Da Nang taxi driver who was more than happy to driver us around to get some cash exchanged and then took us the 40kms down south to Hoi An.

So the question, why Hoi An? Well, the answer goes a little something like this. A few years back whilst travelling in this same with Jason we had made a day trip down to Hoi An to check out the town and witness what all the hype was about regarding ‘tailor made’ clothing and all it’s related possibilities. What we found, aside from a town literally full of tailors was a quaint, charming place that was also a hub for various forms of arts, crafts, restaurants and bars etc. It was after that day that I’d decided that in the next few years I’d come back and spend several days here just exploring the town and getting some clothes made. So here I was, keeping the promise that I’d made to myself nearly two years ago to the day.

Our place of residence in Hoi An was to be the Nhi Nhi hotel, a small place located about 800mtrs or so from the famous Japanese bridge, which can be regarded as being the western entrance to the centre of the town. After settling into our new residence and chilling out for a couple of hours we walked into town to have a bit of a look around. Jet ‘obviously’ jumped at the opportunity to deck out his wardrobe for the upcoming season and threw himself into a Hanoi t-shirt frenzy, admittedly there were a few cool purchases that he made. After walking around for a bit longer we settled in to have dinner at a place called the Secret Garden, a place where the name is very much inline with actual difficulty related to finding the place. I’d sighted this as a possible dining ‘experience’ via the font of all travel knowledge, TripAdvisor, but when we asked the locals what the deal was with this place and where it was, nobody seemed to know. It was only a freakish sighting of an errant Secret Garden sign on Le Loi lane, which runs off Le Loi street, that pointed the way home for us.

Aesthetically this place was really nice, a quaint, lush and well maintained garden, hidden away and well back from the main streets of Hoi An. It was quiet and quite serene in part, although the food and service were no match for the surrounds. That’s not to say that it was bad, just that it could only be considered to be average in relation to both the price paid and the value for money that you received in many other places in Hoi An – which we were also about to discover.

Hoi An at dusk

After dinner we headed to a bar that had caught our attention whilst walking along Le Loi street, The Now and Then Bar. What caught my attention was a huge painting of Bono in a Superman costume, lol, it was freakin’ awesome! So much so that I had to ask how much the painting was to buy, just out of personal interest, the price came back as $2000USD. I considered for a few seconds but yeah, where exactly was I going to put the damn thing? In any case Frichot and I settled in nicely to the Now & Then, taking down many a solid cocktail, something in the five to six ballpark, until the warm cheery feeling took over and we realised that if we kept going at this pace then we’d be hitting the Hoi An canvass quite early in the piece.

'SupeBono' at the Now & Then Bar - Hoi An - it was only $2000USD...I thought about it!

Back at the Nhi Nhi, feeling a little refreshed and reborn after a couple of drinks, we decided that for tonight we were wanting to ‘own’ this town Karaoke style. There appeared to be quite a few places in the local area that were willing to provide an ‘authentic’ Karaoke experience, which unfortunately on closer inspection and investigation also meant that you would have to get your groove on in Vietnamese. Not knowing the language and not really ‘feelin’ the Vietnamese grooves meant that we were kicked out of most of the Karaoke bars in town, like the true Aussie outcasts that we were. Walking into town and letting our intuition guide, we crossed over the canal relatively close to the Japanese bridge….and then we heard it….the God awful sound of some poor tortured Vietnamese soul belting out a home grown classic for all the town to hear. We stood for a few seconds and tried to get our head around whether this was some type of sanctioned public display of humiliation that was required as form of punishment in accordance to Hoi An customer and law, or, if maybe…maybe…this was a party gone wrong and perhaps a little wild. In those moments every fibre of my being said ‘run’, but Frichot, giving the dulcet sounds of this poor pauper more respect than it deserved, prompted me to walk up the street 50mtrs in order to check out where the carnage was coming from. So we did.

Standing in the street in front of the newly found Karaoke Gone Wrong destination I was a bit apprehensive. Basically all it was a large shopfront that had been emptied but that now was filled with slightly tanked Vietnamese, having a bit of a buffet deal and trying to get their voices to cope with the Kenny Loggins classic, Highway to the Danger Zone…but as always, Frichot, with his faux MJ moves and his flowing golden hair, attracted all the attention and got us the golden pass into this Karaoke madness. It was only later in the evening that we discovered that this was a staff Christmas party that we had bombed, but really, once they started handing out free beers then who were we to be asking the cutting questions. Once ‘Hey Jude’ made its way onto the play list Frichot and I were up and completely in bastardisation mode. Well, perhaps it wasn’t that bad, and as they say, admitting your Karaoke flaws is kind of like admitting that you have an ugly baby – you can see it, it’s there but it hurts to be so honest. Never the less, as we were later to find out, it was actually our strained notes and our familiar English voices that managed to drag in our very cool and attractive Afrikaan friends – who said that karaoke doesn’t work for you?

Frichot - Christmas Karaoke - Hoi An

Christmas Karaoke with our new friends - Hoi An

After some more musical abuse and me trying to land a solid version of Living on a Prayer (it was awesome Check out the link HERE - Elisher kills Bon Jovi), plus another few beers, we landed out on the street, myself, Jet, Lilli, Judith, Jolene and some random French guy (who knows where he came from?), but there we had it, a classic b-ball game of three on three – ‘game on boys, there’s no rules now’.

Surprisingly we found the Now and Then bar still open so that’s where we were able to take up residence for the many hours of drinking that were about to land on our doorstep. We all chatted away happily and it was good fun, kind of strange how each of us paired up but chatting with Lilli was pretty cool and her accent was dynamite…what can you do, I have a thing for accents that aren’t Australian! Hours later, even though my memory towards the end of the night is a little skewed, I know that we ended pulling up stumps at the bar at around 3am, which aligned with closing. In any case Mr Frichot and I said our goodbyes and wondered back to the Nhi Nhi where of course we had to wake the night staff camped at the door to let us in…much like Hanoi really, different town but the same result!

Hanoi - Escape from Hanoi

Hanoi (Vietnam)

The first few moments when you feel the sunlight beating through the curtains, the hot sun on your face and when you feel that uneasy sensation of it already being late in the day, well, it’s always a little disorientating. So too the first few moments of this day, Christmas Eve, its special morning moments were also catching me off guard. The transgression of the night before to the morning after and indeed the day after was now dawning on me in the 10-15 seconds of mental oblivion that accompanies me as I awaken from my slumber, then the realisation hits me square between the eyes, ‘If it’s another morning in Hanoi then obviously it’s another hangover for me!’ , as my uncle would say, ‘pissed again’.

I’m sure that morning we played the Black Ice album once again whilst tried to get energised and tried to get our mojo on and other meaningful stuff. Check-out time at the HE3 was approaching, although a quick call down to reception and a plead for clemency meant that they were kind enough to grant us a stay of execution, for an hour at least. We were well versed in traversing the common hurdles of Struggle St and by the time we actually stepped out onto the Hanoi streets for a re-orientation session with our senses, well, we were functioning somewhere at close to a pass mark, althought I suggest that I probably would have needed a supplementary exam to get over the line.

Somwhere in those first few minutes Frichot came up with the golden call of the morning (or was it early afternoon?), ‘Lets go to KFC’, 'Oh yeah my man, I like it like that!'.  Now KFC in Hanoi holds prime position on the north-west corner of Hoan Kiem lake, the restaurant itself (yes, I’m calling it a restaurant), is spread over 4-5 floors and has some terrific views out over the central part of the city. We had a brutish feast, the remanence of which was particularly ugly, but that was of no concern or real consequence, as long as it was washing away the residual of whatever it was that I had been drinking about 10hrs earlier, then that was just fine with me.

Central Hanoi - from our luxurious KFC abode - right on the edge of Hoan Kiem Lake

Hoan Kiem Lake from the fantastic KFC - Hanoi - Vietnam

'The Remains of the Day' - KFC carnage in Hanoi!

After what I’m sure was a couple of hours of eating and just staring into the abyss we finally moved onto the streets and gingerly made out way around the Old Quarter before Jet suggested that we make our way down to Fanny’s for some sweetness and so that he could eye off the little Vietnamese vixen that he’d been scoping out the last few occasions that we been on premises. Admittedly Jet was already a well known identity at the place and the moment he walked in the girls came a runnin’. For my part I almost crashed out at the table a few times, I think the nights were catching up with me and unfortunately there was no amount of quality caffeine that was giving me the lift that I needed. As it finally came time for Jet to say his goodbyes he wished his harem well and exited stage left and jumped into a cab in order to take a ride to Ho Chi Minh’s mausoleum.

HCM’s mausoleum is a large memorial dedicated to the 'father of the modern state’ and where the actual embalmed body of Ho Chi Minh lies. The body of HCM is enclosed in a glass case which is the traditional way to honour famous Communist leaders. Not that we were able to actually see him as viewing times occur on particular days, at set times, and this was not one of them. Never the less, as a spectacle, this place is enormous and had that imposing sense or presence about it, kind of what you’d expect from a Communist monument and special dedication to its main man, and really, as the sun dropped it provided a dramatic setting for the place and its immediate surrounds, it all seemed very appropriate. Frichot and I absorbed our surroundings for a while longer before the afternoon sun got the better of us by which time we had started eyeing off another cab, bound for a totally different destination, this time it was to be the Tran Quoc pagoda located on the edge of the West Lake, an area a little north-west of the Old Quarter.

Ho Chi Minh  Mausoleum - Hanoi - Vietnam

Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum - Hanoi - Vietnam

Love this shot - for some reason I think of Jeff Buckley everytime I see it!?

Specifically it reminds me of this song [Everybody here wants you]

As we jumped into another cab I pointed out the location on a map to the driver and I swear his response was ‘Chewbecca?’. I automatically responded with 'Yeah, sure!'. I figured if someone was going to take you to a place that sounded like the big the name of a big Wookie from the greatest movie of all time then it was going to be alright by me.

The pagoda is located right on the edge of West Lake, by far the largest lake in Hanoi and one that still contains the remains of a B-52 shot down by the North Vietnamese in 1972. By the number of dead fish floating close to the edge of the lake it appeared to be a most chemically enhanced lake also. Unfortunately the pagoda was none too stimulating. Aside from it being constructed in the 6th century and representing the reign of I’m not sure who it was quite the boredom fest and didn't live up to our unwarranted high expectations, so who was at fault there, really?

We walked around for 10-15 mins, enough time for Frichot to be caught out by several photo requests, at which time I suggested that he start charging (seriously, he would have made enough to pay for his holiday!). We then continued walking up Thanh Nien Rd and based ourselves in the lounge of the Sofitel Plaza Hotel for an hour or so after that. With Frichot’s reflux kicking into gear he turned into the Milky Bar kid and took down a gallon or so of milk whilst I settled in for a few well placed daiquiri’s, I needed something, I hadn’t had a drink for several hours at least!

Chewbecca Pagoda! Right on West Lake - Hanoi - Vietnam

Another cab ride and another part of town a little later in the day, Jet made the call that we should go and check out the flag tower. Not too much to write home about there either to tell the truth but across the way the residents of Hanoi were getting their badminton + shuttlecock kicking game on. When it comes to kicking the damn shuttlecock these guys have wicked skills! I sat in amazement and watched the moves that some of these middle aged men were pulling off and the speed at which they were playing the game, I mean I was struggling to sight the object through the air let alone have the skill and dexterity to smash the thing back over the net with my foot! We did however get the opportunity to display to the Hanoi faithful the absolute class that these boys from Oz wielded with borrowed badminton racquets, although walking off the courts with our heads bowed only meant that we were taught a good ‘ole fashioned lesson, in the classic sense – (see also: the hard way!) – i.e., the game that you can’t bring to the table is the one that you don’t have, in the badminton sense, we had no game!

As the night waded its way through the crowded Hanoi streets and into the heart of the city we slowly made our way back to Hang Bong St, and when I say slowly, the Christmas Eve traffic was really cranking and  was now causing even the pedestrians all sorts of delays. At a guess it was 40%-50% up on an average day and was still in the process of picking up volume. If it was going to be anything like HCM a couple of years ago for NYE then we were going to be in for a true Vietnamese spectacle, and to say it now, the members of Team Hanoi did not let us down. The constant movement of bikes dropped to a motorised shuffle as the thousands upon thousands of urban mobiles were commencing movement and making their way to God knows where and attempting in vain to get past everyone else at the same time.

Frichot and I in turn made our way to the City View café, a great restaurant at the top edge of Hoan Kiem lake for our last dinner in Hanoi before having to catch the midnight express  to Da Nang. Looking out over the city and the mass of people out on the streets had me awestruck and a little dumfounded. How these people manage to get anywhere on nights like these just had me asking questions. The streets around the lake and in most streets through the Old Quarter were absolutely gridlocked, which I also realised meant that if we were wanting to make our train later that evening that an early start might be the more intelligent way of doing things.

Christmas Eve traffic - taken from the City View Cafe - Hanoi - Vietnam.

Christmas Eve traffic - taken from the City View Cafe - Hanoi - Vietnam

In the traffic - it's kind of like being 'In the tubing' - that's a Laos reference by the way

We walked back to the HE3 and hit the internet for a while, waiting for the staff to lock us in for a ride to Hanoi’s main railway station but this my dear friends is where all elements of simplicity and good planning simply dropped from the pages of history, worldly rationale and logistics, because from this point on someone or something in this universe had decided to fuck with your dynamic duo big time. It went a little something like this. About 90 mins before the train was to depart the staff mentioned that they’d received a call from other guests coming to the hotel and due to the insane traffic they’d be arriving an hour or so late. In their infinite wisdom and with absolute concern for our travel plans the staff decided to organise a couple of scooters to give us a ride to the station. During this waiting time, as it was perhaps a friend of a friend of staff that was trying to get to the HE3, a random taxi pulled up relatively close to the front door and hence the doorman worked his magic and waived the random driver in for our sake. With the clock ticking down but still plenty of time left up our sleeve we threw our bags in the boot and away we went. As our cab made its way amidst the chaotic Hanoi traffic it somehow managed to get nudged from the rear by a fairly large 4WD. Seriously, it’s kind of amazing that you don’t see a hell of a lot more accidents in Hanoi with the type of fists of fury’ attitude that everyone has, and in this instance the driver of the 4WD, obviously in the wrong, thought it wasn’t worth his effort or bother to stop and just sped past. I could see the face of the cab driver and it was screaming out, ’Oh yeah, game on maestro!’. Our cabbie was infuriated and charged after this 4WD, now it was game off for an attempt to get to out destination. We were not involved in the complex world of retribution and payback and the maniac in the 4WD was gonna get chased down by our cab drivin’ hombre.

The cabbie puts on enough speed and executes enough quality manoeuvres so that he manages to get in front of the 4WD. As he does he slows down and angles his car across the lane in front of him, attempting to stop the guy in his tracks,and yes, the guy did stop, only after he deliberately ran into the back of us and destroyed the back of this poor cabbies vehicle. As the cab driver gets out of his car to confront the guy both Jet and I jump out and see that back bumper is lying on the street and the rear of the car is in a very poor state. Let me say this also, there are thousands of scooters whizzing by us at this moment and for right now, well, we’d just become stuck for a ride to the station. We make the assessment quickly and figure that these two might take a while to sort out their differences and thinking that the station isn’t too far away and within a walking strike zone, we hit the pavement.

As we walk down the street it comes to my attention that for today only I don’t have a map in my pocket, so at this point in time we’re guessing our way to our end point and of course the longer we stay on foot the more time we waste in trying to get to the train on time. Jet and I take a few turns and all of a sudden the streets turn a little dark, there doesn’t appear to be a railway line let alone a railway station in sight. For some reason the area that we had entered was also devoid of any commercial premises and the two we were fortunate enough to find had people in them that couldn’t understand a word of what we were saying. As we scout the road for additional taxis, of which there were nought because of the Christmas Eve frenzy, it dawns on us that the train ride tonight might not be happening the way we had intended. We walk further and as we continue the prospects of getting ourselves over the line get infinitely bleaker. Turning down another dark road we spot what looks to be a hotel, fortunately enough it was, so I head into reception and ask for directions to the station. Thankfully the guy at the counter speaks English and advises me that in the time that we had left, approximately 20 mins, that walking to the station would just not get us there. Across the road is a taxi that looks to be off duty but he actually wasn’t. The guy at hotel receptions calls out something to the guy but I don’t think the driver took much notice or perhaps simply ignored it. I walk up to the driver and ask if he could drive us to the station and point to a map which the guy at the reception had just provided. This cab driver looks at both of us and shakes his head? What the hell dude, are you serious? We start waving around some money and start explaining that we need to get there quick, quick but this guy shakes us off again. Now I’m getting a little exasperated and had he not relented on our third time through for this request, well, I would have flipped out and taken the turkey for my own wicked ride. So finally and thankfully he caves and we jump in for what ended up being a 10min ride through reasonable traffic. We make the station and our awaiting train with 10mins up our sleeve, but sure enough, it was looking awfully sketchy for a long while. In the end we managed to jump on and get sorted for the ride south, now we’ve made it onto the night train, here’s for taking it down the coast to Da Nang.

Our destination - Hanoi Railway Station...finally!

Merry Christmas Frichot! On the Night Train!

Finally getting on the train, check out the link HERE (link on!)

Ha Long Bay - It's been ha long day

Ha Long Bay (Vietnam)

It’s sitting by the overcoat, the second shelf, the notes I wrote, that I can’t bring myself to throw away,well, that’s not 100% of the truth, although there were certainly diary notes on the dresser that I was looking at around 6:00am on this morning as the sun snuck through the small space between the blind and the window sill like a little skillful bandit. The night unfortunately wasn’t so kind to me and I had had a fairly fitful sleep, although with the said, each time I peered out the window and saw the lights of the surrounding boats and the silhouettes of the limestone karsts I was still amazed and also more than a little grateful to have the good fortune to have made my way here.

It seemed both of us had an ordinary nights sleep, not sure if that was due to the fact that the debilitating mental construct that we’d conjured out of our homo-uncomfort, or whether it was simply Jets’ reflux coupled with my flu like symptoms but in the end we got out of bed at 9:00am and wondered upstairs in anticipation of a buffet breakfast, Bhaya style , but freakin’ hell, no! The Bhaya boys had gipped us on this day! The swindling, cheating fraudsters had set up an early morning visit to the ‘Surprise Cave’, which in my head converted to ‘Surprise you shonksters, we beat you to the breakfast punch and now we’re going to mess with you!’. Ahhh, the dread of not having any sort of coffee to start my day was almost too much to bare!

We willed ourselves onto the awaiting launch with all the other bright and chirpy representatives from the UN, ‘screw them and their Portuguese happiness, give me my caffeine!’. In any case we were shuttled to the entrance of the ‘Surprise Cave’ where basically you are required to walk up the side of one of one of these huge limestone karsts via a stoned path to the entrance of what they called a grotto/cave. The vantage point and the views back over this section of Ha Long Bay however, to what was to be a pleasant find, were definitely worth missing breakfast for. Admittedly it’s not that high above water level, only about 25mtrs, but it certainly gave a totally different perspective of the surrounding area.

Ha Long Bay - taken from the 'Surprise Cave'

Frichot, not looking at all surprised!?

Surprise!? Your breakfast has been withdrawn!

Ha Long Bay - Vietnam

Inside the grotto there were literally thousands of stalactites and stalagmites which inhabited the space along side the 500mtr+ walkway inside the cave. It’s a fairly impressive sight, although if you’ve been inside the caves at Jenolan then you have a fairly good idea of what this place looked like. Truthfully, the view from the entrance of the cave caught my attention far more than the limestone creations on the inside but a morning stroll ended up being worth it.

The rest of our morning and early afternoon was spent cruising back to Ha Long city. Very tranquil and peaceful, just appreciating the surroundings and off course occasionally dosing off, only to be woken up by your “mate” with a camera in your face telling you that 'Henry Elisher should HTFU'…lol, fair call! ....Speaking of which, you can see Jet giving me a major dose of HTFU right HERE (link on!)

The Bhaya crew showered us with rose petals as we left

Back in the port of Ha Long we jumped back in with our minivan driver from the previous day who gunned it back to Hanoi in true Nascar fashion, which means taking no prisoners but also never allowing yourself to charge a bus or lorry in full flight otherwise ‘you be pancake man!’

Typical Hanoi street view

Another typical shot of downtown Hanoi

A few hours later we were back at the Hanoi Elegance 3, the staff had kindly moved us into our new room which was meant to be the ‘Junior Suite’ but on closer inspection of their site and the rooms available it appear that we had received the ‘Family Suite’. No matter, it was a great room, had a decent internet connection and a set of French doors that opened out onto a small balcony that overlooked Hang Bong St. Even before you stepped out onto the balcony you could hear it but once outside it was unmistakable, the relentless sound of Hanoi traffic, the motors from the thousands of scooters, those inimitable horns that the riders use just to say ‘hello’, this is the sound that you always end up associating with Hanoi. Monsieur Frichot and I spent a few hours listening to the $10 worth of tunes that we purchased in downtown Hanoi a several days earlier, you’d be surprised as to how many CD’s that actually equates to, drinking a bottle of wine or so and then getting ready for what would inevitably be another evening of liver terror.

Family Suite - Hanoi Elegance 3 - Hang Bong St., Hanoi

Wacky races out on Hang Bong St - View from the balcony

Chasing somewhat of an authentic culinary experience on this night, I put it to Jet that we should undertake the challenge and make a play for one of the many street vendors that were plying their trade on the Hanoi curbs. A few blocks up from the hotel we encountered a vibrant little establishment that by day was a shirt and tie shop but by night masqueraded as a drive in Hanoi BBQ for the well heeled locals. The food was set up on a very basic table held within tupperware containers and looked like a kaleidoscope of who knows what. It was awesome! Kebabs, snails, frogs legs, some type of worm like creatures, it was all on the table and all set for us to delve into if our spirits and adventurous nature held firm. Basically the way it worked was that you required to make your way up to the table, select what you wanted and then ‘hey presto’, they BBQ’ed the living daylights out of it for you. It’s at times like these where you just say to yourself, ‘Well, I’m prepared for whatever gastro misfortune I’ll have coming my way 3am…but for right now, I’m taking it down!!’. After dealing with the Super bug from hell out of the heart of the Lao jungles I thought that there would be nothing that a little city slicker bug could throw at me that I wouldn’t be able to handle. Frichot and I went for it with reckless abandon and in all truth, the food turned out being damn good. Mid feast we were joined by a couple of Danish girls whom Frichot was also trying to tune in with kind of mixed results, there was interest from one girl but the more stoic Hanoi resident was having none of this Aussie mix.

Hanoi food fest - get into it!

Frichot, willing his stomach to be 'cool with it'

Post dinner we walked around for a little while with that unsettling feeling that an eruption via our oesophagus was only a short phone call away. Indeed my stomach was giving me the rumbles and what I didn’t consider was that perhaps Mr City Slicker Hanoi bug might hook up with his cousin ‘Lao superbug’ to try and breed some bastardised type of child that would take me out for months. This thought played on my mind as we cruised down to Fanny’s for a while and then walked off our street side fare by strolling around Hoan Kiem lake for an hour or so. I have to admit, by the time we’d completed the circuit of the lake and made our way back up into the Old Quarter I think we were both feeling more at ease and were now contemplating taking Hanoi on for another evening/morning. Like there was ever really going to be a question of that happening!?...really!!

Hoan Kiem Lake - Hanoi

Frichot - Knowing it was all going wrong in his bowels

As always we were back into bar area of Hanoi which is about a 10minute walk north of Hoan Kiem lake. We dropped into the Red Lounge to check out the scene but it was crazily packed and not worth the effort. A couple of stops up the road was off course the Funky Buddha. Mr Rockstar was brought back out to play as Frichot undertook a metamorphosis into his now Funky Buddha persona, and I chatted with Vanessa and cashed in on the three free drinks that she had promised me from a few nights earlier. The Rockstar and I continued drinking for a few hours until the police came in early and shut the place down, from memory this was a little before midnight. Apparently its quite common for them to walk in and demand/request money from the owners (for whatever reason) and this type of event takes place a couple of times a month. The owner at this point needs to make a decision as to whether it’s worth their while to keep the place running for the evening, depending on the number of patrons they have in that night or just advise the police that there won’t be any money coming their way, which in turn involves a shutdown. In any case it seemed that the owners had remained firm to the corrupt demands of Hanoi’s finest and with midnight upon us we were out on the streets looking for another place to get loaded!

Frichot and I set up base a couple of bars up that made convenient use of their shutters every time the police rolled by. It was a smaller intimate place, great for drinking and produced some half decent cocktails. A little later on Vanessa joined us from the Red Lounge and a few of here friends either came along with here, or perhaps were already in the bar when Frichot and I turned up. In any case the moment she sat along side me I knew it was going to be ‘game on’, flirt dial turned up to 10 and away we went! As the hours drew on Mr Rockstar headed across the alley to another bar and I was lip locking and all things else with Vanessa in our current residence. I have to say, it was half on my mind to go back to her place but the commitment just wasn’t there, you know the situation, the type of thing when you’re out in the midst of a protest march and aren’t fully committed to the cause? Yeah well, it was kind of like that, lol. In any case the place Vanessa and I were in closed down somewhere about 3:30am and we headed across the alley to where Frichot was talking to the owner and also some random Slovenian guy that had somehow made his way there. Slovenians are odd people, they seem to turn up in the most unexpected places and there’s only about 3 million of them on this planet!? Sectioning off some space at the bar our PG-13 movie started to turn to M rate and then a little R rated within a very short time frame, Frichot was doing his best, as a good mate always does, to convince me to get my ‘Hanoi style’ on and get her home. I was pretty tanked by that point and yeah, it was a close run thing but in the end I wasn’t into her really and so decided to tell her that we’d ‘hook up’ when I made my return to Hanoi on the 29th of Dec.

We all stumbled outside of our location somewhere around 5:30am and Vanessa was kind enough to organise a couple of friends to provide us with a ride back to the hotel. I always found it amusing and a little embarrassing that each time we returned we had to wake the staff from their peaceful slumber in order to open the doors for us. On our return this morning we punched the time card at around 5:45am, meaning that the kick-off for breakfast was only 45 mins away. If we had the stamina to make it that far. I think we entertained the idea for 10 seconds before heading up to our room in order to crash out. The last thing I remember Frichot saying as my head hit the pillow was, ‘Do you reckon they’ll deliver?’, 'I don’t know man, try dialling 9481 1111 and tell me if they do'!

Ha Long Bay - The Frelisher love nest, WTF?

Ha Long Bay (Vietnam)

So there I was, sitting on the middle deck of an old converted, see ‘tricked out’, junk called the Bhaya, overlooking the serene, misty and I’d need to add, almost mystical surroundings of what is Ha Long Bay. Large, irregular limestone rocks, cliffs and hills or however you’d like to refer to them, jutting out of the calm waters somewhere near the Gulf of Tonkin. It’s a more than apt place to be a little reflective and allow your mind to drift off into the thoughts and images of your own calling. Although the setting that I describe is already a little late in the day ,(for this day at least) as it misses some critical checkpoints that got Jet and myself here in the first place, so lets backtrack a little and find out where it all went wrong.

The annoying sound of the radio going off at 6:00am served almost immediately as a reminder of what we should not have been doing about 2-3hrs earlier. Jet and I were in that comatose security blanket that only alcoholic punishment can bring to the table. It’s funny, in these situations pending commitments are always mentally traded off against the time you have assured yourself was available, meaning, that you always seek the least amount of time possible to make a deadline and then deduct another 20mins from that lowest amount. On this day our goal was to get ready for an 8:30am pick-up which was to take us out to Ha Long Bay for a two day - one night cruise. As was now becoming a morning ritual, the headaches, dry mouths, extended nausea and dizziness were par for the course after another boisterous Hanoi evening escapade. We did our best of course, tried to get ourselves motivated and even threw a little AC/DC into the mix for inspiration, and somehow, by our own steely resolve, we mustered up some internal fortitude and delved into our energy reserves of God knows what in order to make it to the breakfast table and then converted that to an 8:30am minivan pick up from the front of the hotel

Ha Long Bay is about a 3-4 hour run south-east of Hanoi. Personally the scenery outside of the minivan window for me was the occasional mental snapshot taken between sleeping most of the way out there, from that perspective however it was a pleasant run and one that mentally took only a third of the time in my mind than was actually the case. Now, to fill in those that may not know much about Ha Long Bay, it goes a little something like this, this place is a UNESCO World Heritage site and is basically a vast area (1550kms squared) that features thousands of limestone karts and isles (1960 approx) in various shapes and sizes. It features a dense cluster of monolithic islands, each topped with jungle vegetation, rising spectacularly and quite haphazardly from the ocean. The formation of the area, geologists’ state, was derived from a combination of orogeny (huge tectonic plate shifts), marine regression and marine transgression over a period of nearly 500 million years. In short, the place is visually spectacular and it’s absolutely no surprise that this place was pushing hard to be recognised as one of the seven natural wonders of the world.

After a little bit of a mix up with drop off points, I think our driver had less information than we did, we finally found the Bhaya café, where in turn we were given a briefing before jumping onto small launches and ferried out to the Bhaya junk which was anchored a couple of hundred metres offshore. As we pulled up to the back of the junk all the crew were basically on deck awaiting our arrival and as we climbed on board and walked into the reception area we were showered with rose petals. Kind of kitsch welcome but also kind of cool at the same time.

The Bhaya - Ha Long Bay - Vietnam

Crew introductions on the Bhaya

On arrival we were all ushered up to the top deck where the dining area was situated. The crew was again lined up for us and we were introduced to them individually, which was a nice touch. I think Jet already had his eye on the young Vietnamese teen queen that was to be the ‘masseur’ for the next few days , ‘aha, a happy time to be had I’m sure’. What I did find amusing is that the French manager then started calling out the family names of all the guests on board in order to hand our cabin keys, and then for some reason also decided to add their country of origin for good measure. So it went something like, ‘…and in Room 109 we have the Messoti’s from Italy!’, for a split second it felt like the start of a Van Damme movie, akin to the name roll call out in Bloodsport , everyone eyeing off the other contestants, seeing if they could gauge anything from their appearance, walk and general presentation before the big showdown (whatever the hell that was going to be? Maybe we were going to have an Iron Chef type international session on the top deck at some point).

So the wooden junk had obviously had a major overhaul since its last commercial operating days. Having two main accommodation decks where the cabins were located and an upper deck for dining, the junk was built and furnished in a distinctly oriental style (no surprise huh), the cabins themselves were quite spacious considering the size of the boat. The main window looking out of the room was also quite large which in turn could be slid open in order for the occupants to be able to soak up the elements, and whilst the bathroom was compact, it was still quaint and functional. The only issue or problem the Jet and I had was the ‘double bed’ smack bang in the middle of the room,ah yeah! This all of a sudden changed the desired environment from a simple ‘bro getaway’ to a type of Frelisher love nest. Not right by any stretch of the imagination but something that needed to be dealt with with a good ‘ole cup of HTFU - we’d just have to suck it up and get over the close proximity.

The Frelisher love nest!!!?? WTF?????

As the junk gently starting carving its way through the waters of Ha Long Bay and the sun cut through the mist that had blanketed the limestone formations until that time, we settled back and enjoyed the sights that were being offered. I’ve got to say, other than being a truly beautiful and intriguing place the cruise for the remainder of the afternoon was just the type of relaxing environment I needed. Quite a few times I sat out on the main deck with either a coffee or a drink in hand, the sun warming up my face, taking in the surroundings and entertaining myself with my own thought skipping and shaping. There’s not enough money in the world that can buy that kind of relaxed introspection.

Cruising on Ha Long Bay

Ha Long Bay - Vietnam

A few hours out from the city of Ha Long Bay we stopped off at a local fishing village which basically looked like a row of small cottages, colourfully painted, built on top of large buoyant barrels and wooden platforms. I’d imagine that if the place ever froze over then the only difference between this place and a comparative location, say in the northern part of Hudson Bay would be the total count on the number of ‘eh’s’ and ‘aboots’ that you’d hear, oh, and the fact that these guys are Vietnamese and the Hudson Bay locals are good ole fashioned Canadians. In any case we were able to jump off the Bhaya for a while and were transferred to the fishing village by small launch and then into local row boats. It was interesting to cruise around this area which was quite sheltered from the elements by the huge limestone cliffs and I’m sure in turn would make a great weekend getaway, if you ever had that inclination.

Area near the fishing village - Ha Long Bay

Late afternoon and early evening on the boat was another relaxed affair. Jet crashed out in the room for a while whilst I took in the sunset from the top deck and also got caught up in a spring roll making/cooking and eating class for good measure. Just for the hell of it, and so I can remember it down the track, I’ve included the recipe and methodology below (well actually I was going to but I noted that it would take up too much space, so stuff it, I’ll include it somewhere else).

Frichot in 'pose down' on the Bhaya

Upper deck on the Bhaya

As the night set in I made friends with the barman and had a few cocktails out on the main deck, another great experience as all you could hear was the lapping of the water against the boat and the only things you could see were the large silhouette’s of limestone karts against the night sky. As my list of drowned cocktails grew and the hours slipped on by, I had worked my way into the Bhaya dining hour with the aplomb, dexterity and expertise of senior ‘playa’. Jet had also awoken from his slumber just in time to encounter the several courses that the Bhaya had on offer for dinner, I think it went something like oysters & prawns, pumpkin soup, fish, cheese and crackers, tiramisu etc. By the time it was all over Jet and I had waved the white flag in defeat and we made the call to underline and punctuate this day with sleep relatively early. After several three to four hour turn around most days, the 22nd of Dec 2009 had our measure and we retired to the Frelisher love nest for much needed recovery.

Frichot, out on the Ha Long high seas!

Relaxed and taking it all in

Hanoi - 'That's some trippy poltergesit action'

Hanoi (Vietnam)

I don’t know how we managed it but we appeared to both pull up reasonably well after only a four hour turn around from the proceedings which had originated the day before this one, in a city and country foreign to the current place and time. Somehow we were seated at the Hanoi Elegance 3 breakfast table by 8am, Jet carving it up Kelly Slater fashion, a good ‘ole Hanoi style omelette, whilst I got my ‘grease on’ with a gravy beef baguette. I mean it sounds a little ‘down and dirty’ but it was just what I needed after consuming 20 or so spring rolls fours hours earlier on the back of litres of Halida, Hanoi’s finest brew.

It was all fairly relaxed and mid tempo for most of the day. Jet had himself a mission to pick up some knee length socks, which of course could not be found, outside of there being twenty or so potential offers to sell him stockings. We also purchased more than $1,000,000 worth of potential copyright infringement fines by spending approximately $10 on ripped CD’s, but hey, as the Village People use to say, ‘You can’t stop the music!’, and then after cruising through the Old Quarter for most of the morning we revisited our own Hanoi field of dreams from the night before. Steps were retraced, images drawn from the haze of alcoholic confusion and then a consensus made that perhaps stopping in at a bar called the ‘Hair of the Dog’ might just be the valuable tonic needed to prop us up for another day in the capital.

Hair of the Dog - Hanoi - Vietnam

 Disappointingly we were quite rational about our selection and downed several caffeine boosters with sweetened condensed milk in order to get our hearts a racin’, and admittedly it kind of worked for a while, well, until such time as the omnipresent cyclo riders finally won the war they had been waging with our stoic senses, your heroes on the streets succumbing to their incessant requests for cyclo tours around the Old Quarter…and yeah, it was cruisy – a nice glide through the traffic which allowed us to just absorb the pace at which this place operates.

Taking a spin around the Old Quarter - Hanoi - Vietnam

After finding ourselves at the top of Hoan Kiem lake post cycle escapade we walked down the western side, Jet making it his mission to find himself a red tie to accentuate the black shorts, shirt and shoes outfit that he had going. Our adventures for the day however had morphed into a concerted search for caffeine, caffeine and more of it the farther we travelled. Late in the afternoon we stopped in at a place called the Fast Food café for another Vietnamese brew. A totally non-descript place, not famous for anything that we knew of and definitely not mentioned in any Lonely Planet guide, this place,as far as the Hanoi café scene went was a pure vanilla option. So Jet ordered himself some type of local soup because he’s hanging out for one, I just hung back a little and decided to go with the single coffee option. Jet at this point decides that he wants one also and in turn the coffee’s are delivered to our table at the same time, both placed closer to the centre of the table that to the edge. Now both Jet and I vague out a little and escape into own head space for a while, just taking in the surrounds and contemplating the last few days in our own way. Then out of my periphery vision I see Jets’ coffee slide a good 10cms across the table towards him, it wasn’t touched, the table wasn’t bumped, in my mind there was no clear explanation for how it happened. A moment after the event however my mind kind of dismisses it, I’m not sure as to why. It wasn’t until a few minutes later that Jet asked me as to whether I’d seen the event and I confirmed that I indeed had. We checked the table for potential slants, slippery surfaces, magnets, pranksters, Ashton Kutcher, but nothing! There wasn’t any logical reason that we could attribute to what we had both witnessed, a full cup of coffee just moved, no assistance at all. There was some trippy poltergeist business going on there!

Recovering from our own private universe of a Ripley’s Believe It or Not induced head spin, we travelled back to a famous lakeside institution, Fanny’s ice creamery for a little bit of Vietnamese sweetness. This place was gooood, gooood! The flavours were outstanding and man those coffees, the best that I’ve ever encountered in Vietnam, which in turns meant that they’re the best I’d had anywhere. Of course Jet had already acquired a fan club before we’d even taken a seat and by the time our desserts had hit the table he’d already mentally ‘smashed’ three or four of the young waitresses that were offering some decent customer service to him, yeah, it was the rock star thing again! Seriously, it really felt like I didn’t exist. I was having conversations with my good self anytime Frichot was around and engaged in any sort of dialogue with another person, *sigh*. In any case Fanny’s was damn good and we made ourselves a promise to return one night prior to leaving, on this night however we needed to be making preparations for what we both knew was going to be another big one. Trudging back to the Hanoi Elegance we dodged bikes, cars, ‘Frichot paparazzi’ and monkeys before being able to rest up for a few hours and spin some tunes prior to heading out.

 

Our evening started off with a touch of style, albeit with absolutely crappy service. We ventured to the Hanoi Garden restaurant, a Tripadvisor recommended joint not too far from where we were staying. The initial look of the place was quite intriguing, set around a fairly large courtyard some way back from a main road, the moment you were inside the noise of the endless traffic was relatively muted. We managed to get ourselves a nice table in the courtyard and settled in for a hell of a meal, kicking off with some springs rolls then added several other dishes such as blackened pepper catfish, bread crumbed deep fried fish, sauteed shrimp stuffed with cheese and bits and pieces of several other things. Where the Hanoi Garden encountered hard times however was in the service department. Obviously Frichot and I had shown up towards the back end of their evening service and even whilst we were mid meal these clowns started removing all the tables around us. By the time we’d finished we were the only turkeys, sitting on the only table out in the courtyard, and even worse, the waiter that had remained with us until what was their ‘supposed’ closing time had put on his coat and split for home or some Hanoi Garden after party. Seriously, Frichot and I are looking at this guy walk out and both turned to make the ‘Captain Obvious’ comment, ‘Isn’t that our waiter'? Well yes, it was, we’re now flying solo. So there we stayed, all finished, waiting patiently for someone to assist us with finalising our bill at the end of the night. We probably waited 20 mins before someone questioned both the logic and viability of leaving two white boys out in the garden overnight. Hanoi Garden, I haven’t rated you on TripAdvisor yet, but trust me, you’re going down!!

'Where did everybody go?' - Hanoi Garden Restaurant - Hanoi

Now, the scene of last evenings crimes against humanity turned into some sort of homecoming for us on this night. A few warm up cocktails of the daiquiri/mojito style at the Hair of the Dog, then a short crappy stay at a cheesy, sleazy dive before making our way to the Funky Buddha with the familiarity of Hanoi stalwarts for our version of Hanoi Nights round 2 and happened thankfully to encounter the same vibe that had greeted us the night before. Ms Funk n’ Breaks DJ was off working her fantastic grooves again and in turn my main man was attracting attention with his ‘lady boy’ locks and new wave moves on the dance floor,and you know the deal now, as the night progresses, alcohol is consumed and fairy tales are born. From this point on I only have the vaguest of recollections of holding up the fort at the bar whilst some Russian mobsters decided that Jet and his Invisible mate, the one that they sat on, aka me, were more than worthy of a few free rounds. There was also a few rounds of shots bought by some Vietnamese groupies and somewhere along the line an invisible basketball that Jet was playing with somehow got passed around for 20 mins. It would have been a weird sight to see if it wasn't so funny, a few people got into that one actually.

All OK!? Obviously it was! Funky Buddha bar - Hanoi

Me making friends with all the 'Invisible People' of Hanoi - Funky Buddha Bar

Kind of reminds me of my Year 10 formal!

We were awash in a furious sea of alcohol, I was the G'n'T hero at the bar and our Halida freak Frichot spent most of the time getting down with his bad self on the dance floor. I chatted with the bar staff, more specifically with this 21yr old girl called Vanessa who had made her home in Hanoi for the last three years. Much in the same vein as the night before, the lights came on early at the Funky Buddha meaning that we were required migrate up the street to a new abode. On this morning Vanessa assisted us in continuing the session at some joint that was familiar to her but for the life of me I can’t remember the name of. I only know that at some point Frichot disappeared for a long while, a few days later I found out that he’d crashed out in the bathroom for most of this MIA time. As the morning wore on and I got my ‘flirt on’  and we drank ourselves to a point where the hangover from the previous night had looped the clock and caught up with us again. It was right there that we needed to bid all comers adieu and we stumbled out into the streets where Vanessa had organised a mate of hers to give us a lift home. It was kind of amusing waking up the staff at the Hanoi Elegance sometime close to 4am and them looking at us like we were the worlds greatest piss heads, priceless in any language.